SCOTCH EGG COLLECTIVE- UNFEELING - CORPULENT - CACTUS HUMPING - DOMESTIC PARTNERS

Four times this week, while on vacation, I received substandard hugs from each and every person associated with me. Let's get this straight, gang. I am emotionally needy, a little lonely, slightly dirty, and require hugs so sweet and strong that they border on the homoerotic. I DON'T THINK THIS IS TOO MUCH TO ASK. After all, Elbow Grease is, at the end of the day, America's one true inexhaustible export.


Francis
Muleshoe, NM
U.S. of A.

Jacci Mancini uncaring - noncommitted - Cat Worshipping - Wife

"Twice this week while on Vacation from work, I did not get served any dinner. I actually had to go to bed hungry on both occasions. I go to work every day and recieve only two off days per week. I don't have any knowledge of cooking and because I do lack this skill I don't do it. Get it? I require food at least twice a day, sometimes more when I'am off duty.

Sandy
Painesville Twp, Ohio
U.S.A."

"You've Got To Be Kidding

Let me see if I understand your complaint. You were off work for 2 days or more and your wife did not cook for you...is this correct?

If so, let me just say that I am a working wife and mother who cooks MOST days. Usually, when my husband has his days off, he cooks for our family. If I didn't cook, he would find something, like cereal or maybe treat himself to McDonalds. He'll even make salads, and sandwiches if he needed to. There is no reason for you to not eat. And blaming your wife is just plain childish.

If she is as busy as most women in today's world, she deserves a break from the house and kitchen too."

"Learning to navigate the kitchen.....

Sandy I have a few suggestions that may help you in your quest to eat dinner (on occasion) without the assistance of your wife.
(1) Walk to the kitchen, slowly or you may fall over your tremendous ego and open the fridge to find what is in that large cold box.
(2) Find something to put between two pieces of bread (i.e. meat, hotdogs, etc)or better yet find some peanut butter and slap it between bread.

Are you actually this stupid?
This is the MOST ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. Of course you could always stop by a fast food restaraunt and pick your self up something to eat, idiot!

Grow up or get your mommy to take care of you, I'm just praying you don't have any children to care for.. Lord have mercy!"

" What the $%&*^*!?!? Cat worshipping?

Sandy,

This has to be the most ridiculous post I have ever seen. It even beats the recent one from Brian in Everett, WA about missing one McNugget from his 10-piece meal. Are you sure you're not from Tupper Lake, NY? Posts of this quality usually only come from there.

And by the way, if you are Sandy, and the report is about Jacci (pronounced like Jackie?), then what is your relationship to each other? Mother/daughter, husband/wife, lesbian life partner?

Cat worshipping? It's in the header, but not mentioned anywhere in the post. What's that all about?

If this post is true , then you are a sad, sad person."

"A MAN, A CAN, A PLAN

Sandy, there is a book titled 'A Man, A Can, A Plan', available at your local bookstore. Buy it.

You do know that there are things called 'soup' and 'chili'? There are even things like Spaghetti-O's and Raviolio. They come in cans. Once you master the art of using a can opener to remove the top of the can, turn can over and place ingredients into microwaveable bowl, open microwave door (you'll figure it out), put bowl inside (not the can or other metallic objects such as spoons or forks), close door and set timer for approximately 2 to 3 minutes. You can have fun watching the bowl go round and round as it heats. When the little bell goes 'ding', open the door, pick up bowl (use caution, as it may be hot and cause a boo-boo on your little handsies), place on a plate, get spoon, place spoon in bowl and EAT.

You cannot POSSIBLY be that helpless. If you are, God help us all."

Today's Poem

(sing to tune of your favorite song)

Impermanent, as a wisp of coffee
Impermanent, that's what I want to be be be
Impermanent, as a pretty, sunny day
Impermanence, you know it's here to stay

Let's Do Something Weird: The 3rd Chapter Of A Long Day

Might snow.

It is snowing.

Now?

Yup.

Right now?

Yup.

Let's do something weird. I love you Hal.

I love you too Timothy Jr. Let's walk in the snow. Huh?

Let's do it naked.

Ok.

snap snap snap

Snap snap snap! That’s what the fireworks sounded like. They were loud and made me shudder. I keep looking because they were pretty, but I kept jumping because the noise scared me. Jump jump look look! That’s what I looked like if you wanted to describe me by just saying what I was doing. It was January first at one am, so people were blowing things up to try and scare the old year away. It worked, because people were yelling HAPPY NEW YEAR which means the old year went away and now it is d-e-a-d. Everyone was yelling and drinking and falling down. The old year likes people who stand up straight and are quiet and have sex with people they know very well. But since it is HAPPY NEW YEAR, what the old year wants is just too bad. I don’t drink because I am not allowed. I am not allowed by me. I don’t allow myself to drink.

ducks float on the lake

ducks float on the lake
lily pads gently shudder in their wake
peaches grow on the trees
this is the paradise where i come from

if summer is one long day
then it is morning
and i am ready for a swim
the water is cool

carry your belongings
from your dwelling
we go together to this place
you dream awake now

the sun seats itself at earth's table
then a gear rolls away
its mechanism has no secrets
everything is intended

this bar and grill closes in half an hour
drunkenly adjust your frame
civilization is irony for those into the world
the boat is a drawing above your head

what age is this asked you?
i have a tendency to forget this age is still happening
have not been aware of it since the times i was young and drunk
thank god i am young and drunk

another beach beckons
yet i haven't swam yet
my skin is a crackling hide
it is burning me, my inside is thrust outwards as such

you are called upon to command
can you find an eternal office?
this is not the place for you
the young siren suggests
indicating the lines

New Baby Products

Neal and Betsy always laughed with each other when they drove by the New Baby Products sign. When they first moved to Birmingham, it seemed like everyone laughed at New Baby Products. At the restaurant where Neal bussed, all of the waiters had their own carefully crafted jokes about the place. Some of them were about the sign, with its predictable baby blue type and pink baby. Tim, the leader of the waiters, would guffaw like he did and say "it's like they're saying, "we have something for every baby. Every Crack Baby!" The other waiters laughed, but Neal just bussed in the background.

The next year, New Baby Products wasn't as funny. Birmingham got colder than Florida. Betsy looked thin and pale. She was so pretty when they left Florida. Now, even when Neal tried to joke about New Baby Products, Betsy just looked away. One time she said, "Neal, they sell cheap baby clothes. People need cheap baby clothes. It's not funny. It's sad."

Neal said, "We'll never have to shop there."

Neal started to think of his grandfather, and the bib he wore before he died and was too old to chew properly. They couldn't afford to place him in a home, so they bought him a bib. At twelve, Neal never considered where the bib came from. It was just a bib. Now he recalled the cookie monster graphic on it, and how his grandfather spittled on the cookie monster. Neal's mother wiped the bib now and again, but the spittle would often grow too heavy for the bib and drip down onto the grandfather's shirt and crotch. Grandfather would swipe at it, but eventually it sat where it fell, stagnating until Neal's mother came to wipe it away. Neal saw it all out of his peripheral vision. He didn't like his grandfather's spittle. It was easier to pretend it wasn't there.